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Everything’s A Little Weird On A Faux Single Weekend

My wife’s been reminding me that she’s going to be gone for 2 nights in June since about April. I realized it’s June the morning before she was to leave. Stuff got sad.

Red Baron 4 Cheeses Pizza

LIFE WITHOUT WIFE: 10 hours

lazy without mommyAfter getting off the PATH train, I went through Duane Reade for two Red Baron pizzas and 2 cans of tuna for Fern since the cat food was on another floor. My laziness knows no bounds.

Last night, the first sans her night, I slept for 18 hours with Top Chef Masters Season 5 on in the background. My cat, Fern, followed me around: to the couch, to the bed, and back to the couch.

Top Chef Masters Season 5

With loneliness comes this magical realism where tv marathons swish by and come to life like wizards casting sleeping spells. How does time accelerate? I swear the whole season of Top Chef, all 20,000 episodes, lasted 3 hours. I slept through the whole thing – reconstructed gray panna cotta and all.

I woke up and Hulu was playing Project Runway All Stars. It recommends me some gay stuff. Heidi Klum kept saying, “You’re either in our your out”. I’m out I’m out already, Heidi. As an aside: Heidi’s in America’s Got Talent now. Weird.

LIFE WITHOUT WIFE: 10 to 26.5 hours (SLEEP)

sleepy with fern

I went to the bed after a few hours passed out on the couch, and sleep-ate raisins. I know this because I found raisins on my chest and pasted to my naked back when I woke up. Weird dreams last night. Lauren Bush Lauren kept trying to seduce me. We walked to the swings and watched the full moon. Inside my dream head, ‘aw, I wish Megan were here. I miss my wife’ played on a loop, then I woke up and thought of Hermione and Harry because, reasons.

wife gone

LIFE WITHOUT WIFE: 26.5 hours

biggest loser glory days

So, I sobbed watching Biggest Loser Glory Days (Season 16).

This one guy was talking about having lost his wife 9 month prior to being on the Biggest Loser Ranch and I got cold all over. I had to put on a flannel and sweats.

Then, Ryan Erskine texted me a link to a site that ranked him #9 in best of something or another. I got an online branding itch, so I called “Yahoo” trying to retrieve this ancient Yahoo address I deleted because an ex was stalking me on Yelp, and the Yelp login was tied to that account. I was an elite reviewer and everything. (Moral of the story: don’t let stalky exes make you delete your yahoo account because becoming a Yelp Elite these days is stupid hard). That aykang@yahoo.com was tied to my @alekskang Twitter handle which Kate Deluca said is “a super good name for ranking.” The Yahoo phone number I found on Google ended up being a scam. They wanted $100 to retrieve my account.

SCAM ALERT

SCAM

FYI: Yahoo doesn’t have a customer service number, or WFH. I blame Marissa Mayer.

It occurs to me that I need CODA. Or ice cream. Neither are in the cards, or the freezer.

LIFE WITHOUT WIFE: 30 Hours

Biggest Loser is still on though I feel pretty distracted. I caught myself watching Fern bathe for about 15 minutes.

LIFE WITHOUT WIFE: 31 Hours

omega-diner

Hey now. Good news. I’m meeting my wife, my sister-in-law, and her fiance at Omega tomorrow at 10:30AM then day trip with wife. Less time apart. Just gotta hold on until then.

I have one more frozen pizza in the freezer. I think I can feed myself until tomorrow. There are about 10 more episodes of Biggest Loser Glory Days left, but Hulu has about 3 more seasons after that. It’s like being held tight. That’s totally normal y’all.

I just remembered I have gluten free cookies which is basically sugar and chocolate because they’re not gluten. This has been fun. Should I share this on Facebook? I wonder if Ryan or Kate will share or retweet it. I think Marissa Mayer has an email address.

Oh by the way, you guys should check out FangsOfNewYork blog HERE. I’m in love with it and trust me, it’s way better than mine.